I had to have a good hard look at myself before posting this one. It might paint me as selfish but I hope the true nature is understood.
I have awesome friends, and we all support each other and that is truly a beautiful thing. Truly………but many of my friends come to me for advice, which is flattering but it is sometimes hard to always be the rock when your own world is crumbling around you.
For the past year-and-a-half, two of my closest friends have experienced the breakdowns of long term serious relationships, so I have been on the receiving end of many tearful phone calls, depressed text messages which make me wonder if I should jump in my car and save them from doing something stupid, and also had them just be unresponsive and moody at times when we see each other socially. I understand……breakups suck. Sure I’ve never had a break up….well I’ve “broken up” with my short term guys which apparently don’t count… but I imagine it would be a very difficult thing to end long term relationships and I don’t blame them for being upset.
If the sagas of the relationship breakdowns were short I could probably cope better but I’m feeling like I’m constantly talking people off the cliff edge and it’s exhausting at times, but I dare not try to discourage the communication as I do care and genuinely love and worry about these people. I feel like my whole world has revolved around them and their dramas for the last year-and-a-half and to steal a line from ‘The Holiday’ I haven’t been the leading lady of my own life. I’ve just been the best friend. Even after the big relationships were over, these friends were quick to hook up with new guys where problems ensued so it all started again as rather they dump these guys promptly they hung on longer than they should have as it is apparently better than being alone.
Both ladies find the idea of being single abhorrent. Of course, they claim they have no problem with it but neither went over a fortnight before stressing about finding someone new and also comments have been made in times of weakness like “what’s the point of living?” etc.
I’ve been single my whole life, does that mean my life has “no point”? Should I be horrified at the idea of being alone? I admit, when one of them introduced me to someone as “single” I was offended, not because I have a massive issue with being single, more so that I am more than my relationship status (introduce me by how you know me or what my job is but NOT my relationship status). I did explain to her that is NOT on and she apologised so all good there now.
The continued despair and spinsterhood cat jokes these newly single people have given me sometimes gets to me…….I know they don’t mean to…..and I understand why they are sad…..but sometimes while trying to constantly encourage others the despair from people who have only been single short term, makes me feel bad about my situation….
I’m not saying I hate them coming to me. I am honoured they feel they can share with me. It’s just difficult when it’s so depressing and so constant. The horrible part of me thinks bitterly “at least you’ve experienced love.”
I met up with some girlfriends last month and I actually noticed it was the first time in over a year the entire conversation didn’t revolve around boys. It was so refreshing. I could be someone other than the support for a change. I could contribute to conversations from my experiences as they didn’t revolve around relationships!
One friend has been giving me tearful phone calls about not gaining various positions they applied for. Again, I UNDERSTAND it’s disappointing when you don’t get the promotion or position you really worked hard for. I do honestly sympathise with them……but when I myself am currently unemployed and have never had a permeant job and you complain about being the equivalent of “just a GP” or “just a lawyer” it’s hard to be constantly sympathetic.
It’s like they are complaining and distressed and calling themselves losers for not getting to the top of their fields ladders when I’m there still stumbling over the first rung. If they are unsuccessful losers what does that make me? I understand they are very ambitious and perhaps I’m not ambitious to that level….. but I had dreams too.
I hope this post doesn’t make me sound like a horrible person. I just want to point out that sometimes it isn’t a bad idea to stop and have a think about what the situation of your “go to person” is from time to time. I have a friend who never even got to work in her chosen field as it was such a narrow field. I try not to complain about my situation in front of her too much as at least I’ve got to work in my chosen field and I should be grateful for that.
It’s my own fault, I let myself compare myself to others. It’s very unhealthy and I never used to be this person. It’s just that it’s been CONSTANT for such a long time that it’s just like some dark cloud that has slowly crept over me.
On the positive, it looks like things are looking up for my friends. One has just got a good job opportunity and the other has got what appears to be a nice boyfriend. Maybe the rest of this year will be different?
I will be happy when my friends are happy.
I’ve probably done the same thing unknowingly to my “rocks” although I like to think I try to avoid this.
Despite it all, it is nice that they feel I can comfort them.
Don’t worry my friends don’t know about my blog so won’t read this!!!!