On my Own

apple-570965_1920Valentines day is approaching so love is in the air. Well it is for a lot of people. I on the other hand am planning my annual “I hate Valentines Day” party.  I don’t actually hate Valentines Day I just prefer to go out with my single girlfriends and have fun rather than sit at home and wish I had a date 😉 We always have a blast although it looks as though I might have fewer takers this year.

Anyway, a little history on my love life. I’m almost 30 (hence this is the pre-30 blog). The longest relationship I’ve had was 3 months and that was back when I was 24.

If I could put a song to my love life it would be the “On my Own” song from Les Misérables  (click to hear it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WY-OXb38_r8) as I feel like I’ve had three really good relationships with the 3 biggest crushes of my life……in my mind. I have wasted numerous years falling for guys and convincing myself that they will ask me out and we will live happily ever after and it just doesn’t happen the way I want. Either they are not interested and eventually go out with someone else, screw me around a bit by saying they will call and never doing it, or are just as shy as I am so I’m not sure if the flirting is happening and neither of us will make a move or maybe they are not interested and I’m just imagining these connections.

It has gotten so bad that I at times I have truly convinced myself sometimes these guys are truly on the verge of asking me out ……and then they don’t 😦

“I love him, but everyday I’m learning, all my life I’ve only been pretending.” (Les Misérables).

I need to get with reality. I need to stop fantasising and live in the world as it is and not as I think it should be. I need to stop trying to turn people off that I think may like me because I think someone I have had a secret crush on is going to ask me out any day now.

When I was younger, my longest crush whom I’ve known and crushed on since primary school reconnected with me when we both worked in the same supermarket in our later years of high school. We flirted a lot and when we got to University he used to tell me he’d ring me almost every week on that weekend but never did. Sure, he’d message and say he couldn’t because of a family thing but I was very saddened each time as I thought I was going to have a date each weekend and waited for those calls. I used to be worried about accepting other invitations off friends and family as I thought something would happen…. Well after this happened about 20 times I couldn’t handle the disappointment any longer and when a proper invitation from this boy finally came I declined him as had just had enough . We are still friends to this day and every few years I think something is happening between us but so far it hasn’t come into fruition.

Right now, he has been much more attentive towards me and at times I’ve even felt like we’re a couple when together, but to this day we’ve never even kissed or held hands. I made the mistake a few months ago of telling my friends I had a renewed crush on him and I suspect somebodies blabbed. I can’t believe I’m an adult now and still worried that my friends have told my crush on me lol That’s like something that should only happen in high school.

I asked him to coffee in Novemeber and it was fun but I have not received a one-to-one invitation since but then we’ve been texting more, had lots of pictures together at a wedding we both recently went to and done group things (he was away for a month since then). Recently he came back and messaged me an apology after a week of being back about not catching up since he’s been back as he’s been sick (promising) but then mentioned the group thing we’re going to (well group isn’t date so do you want to date me or not?).

Now, another person I have had on and off feelings for as well over the years goes to my church. I feel like there have been sparks recently. He seemed very pleased to be in the same bible study group as me. Perhaps we would be a better match since we go to the same church and have the same beliefs. But he hasn’t asked me out either. I feel like he’s on the verge too but now I’m stressing that the other guy will ask me out finally and I feel more loyal to him since we’ve know each other since childhood but then it would be stupid to decline some other perfectly nice guy just in case another asks me out…..

That’s it I’ve lost it…

I have had very complicated relationships……… although they have been “only in my mind”.

In the end chances are I won’t be asked out by either. Both are actually quite shy and might never get around to it (why do I go for introverts?).

I think my love life may get less complicated if I move to Canberra. I possibly need to get away from my make-believe boyfriends.











2 thoughts on “On my Own

  1. A lot of this sounds very familiar to me. I understand the whole ‘fantasising’ thing. I do that a lot as well, and my mind runs away with me. I’m trying to be more grounded and realistic. I think it’s important to realise that we can’t stop our lives for something that ‘might’ happen. Sometimes I think there’s no harm in being bold with guys, and asking them first, but I understand that it’s easier said than done. And yeah, Valentine’s Day is a drag, but for the past few years I threw a singles party at my student house to make it more bearable.


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