Give a Thought to What’s Going on With Your “Rock”

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I had to have a good hard look at myself before posting this one. It might paint me as selfish but I hope the true nature is understood.

I have awesome friends, and we all support each other and that is truly a beautiful thing. Truly………but many of my friends come to me for advice, which is flattering but it is sometimes hard to always be the rock when your own world is crumbling around you.

For the past year-and-a-half, two of my closest friends have experienced the breakdowns of long term serious relationships, so I have been on the receiving end of many tearful phone calls, depressed text messages which make me wonder if I should jump in my car and save them from doing something stupid, and also had them just be unresponsive and moody at times when we see each other socially.  I understand……breakups suck. Sure I’ve never had a break up….well I’ve “broken up” with my short term guys which apparently don’t count… but I imagine it would be a very difficult thing to end long term relationships and I don’t blame them for being upset.

If the sagas of the relationship breakdowns were short I could probably cope better but I’m feeling like I’m constantly talking people off the cliff edge and it’s exhausting at times, but I dare not try to discourage the communication as I do care and genuinely love and  worry about these people. I feel like my whole world has revolved around them and their dramas for the last year-and-a-half and to steal a line from ‘The Holiday’ I haven’t been the leading lady of my own life. I’ve just been the best friend. Even after the big relationships were over, these friends were quick to hook up with new guys where problems ensued so it all started again as rather they dump these guys promptly they hung on longer than they should have as it is apparently better than being alone.

Both ladies find the idea of being single abhorrent. Of course, they claim they have no problem with it but neither went over a fortnight before stressing about finding someone new and also comments have been made in times of weakness like “what’s the point of living?” etc.

I’ve been single my whole life, does that mean my life has “no point”? Should I be horrified at the idea of being alone? I admit, when one of them introduced me to someone as “single” I was offended, not because I have a massive issue with being single, more so that I am more than my relationship status (introduce me by how you know me or what my job is but NOT my relationship status). I did explain to her that is NOT on and she apologised so all good there now.

The continued despair and spinsterhood cat jokes these newly single people have given me sometimes gets to me…….I know they don’t mean to…..and I understand why they are sad…..but sometimes while trying to constantly encourage others the despair from people who have only been single short term,  makes me feel bad about my situation….

I’m not saying I hate them coming to me. I am honoured they feel they can share with me. It’s just difficult when it’s so depressing and so constant. The horrible part of me thinks  bitterly “at least you’ve experienced love.”

I met up with some girlfriends last month and I actually noticed it was the first time in over a year the entire conversation didn’t revolve around boys. It was so refreshing. I could  be someone other than the support for a change. I could contribute to conversations from my experiences as they didn’t revolve around relationships!

One friend has been giving me tearful phone calls about not gaining various positions they applied for. Again, I UNDERSTAND it’s disappointing when you don’t get the promotion or position you really worked hard for. I do honestly sympathise with them……but when I myself am currently unemployed and have never had a permeant job and you complain about being the equivalent of “just a GP” or “just a lawyer” it’s hard to be constantly sympathetic.

It’s like they are complaining and distressed and calling themselves losers for not getting to the top of their fields ladders when I’m there still stumbling over the first rung. If they are unsuccessful losers what does that make me? I understand they are very ambitious and perhaps I’m not ambitious to that level….. but I had dreams too.

I hope this post doesn’t make me sound like a horrible person. I just want to point out that sometimes it isn’t a bad idea to stop and have a think about what the situation of your “go to person” is from time to time. I have a friend who never even got to work in her chosen field as it was such a narrow field. I try not to complain about my situation in front of her too much as at least I’ve got to work in my chosen field and I should be grateful for that.

It’s my own fault, I let myself compare myself to others. It’s very unhealthy and I never used to be this person. It’s just that it’s been CONSTANT for such a long time that it’s just like some dark cloud that has slowly crept over me.

On the positive, it looks like things are looking up for my friends. One has just got a good job opportunity and the other has got what appears to be a nice boyfriend. Maybe the rest of this year will be different?

Final thoughts:

I will be happy when my friends are happy.

I’ve probably done the same thing unknowingly to my “rocks” although I like to think I try to avoid this.

Despite it all, it is nice that they feel I can comfort them.

Don’t worry my friends don’t know about my blog so won’t read this!!!!

On my Own

apple-570965_1920Valentines day is approaching so love is in the air. Well it is for a lot of people. I on the other hand am planning my annual “I hate Valentines Day” party.  I don’t actually hate Valentines Day I just prefer to go out with my single girlfriends and have fun rather than sit at home and wish I had a date 😉 We always have a blast although it looks as though I might have fewer takers this year.

Anyway, a little history on my love life. I’m almost 30 (hence this is the pre-30 blog). The longest relationship I’ve had was 3 months and that was back when I was 24.

If I could put a song to my love life it would be the “On my Own” song from Les Misérables  (click to hear it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WY-OXb38_r8) as I feel like I’ve had three really good relationships with the 3 biggest crushes of my life……in my mind. I have wasted numerous years falling for guys and convincing myself that they will ask me out and we will live happily ever after and it just doesn’t happen the way I want. Either they are not interested and eventually go out with someone else, screw me around a bit by saying they will call and never doing it, or are just as shy as I am so I’m not sure if the flirting is happening and neither of us will make a move or maybe they are not interested and I’m just imagining these connections.

It has gotten so bad that I at times I have truly convinced myself sometimes these guys are truly on the verge of asking me out ……and then they don’t 😦

“I love him, but everyday I’m learning, all my life I’ve only been pretending.” (Les Misérables).

I need to get with reality. I need to stop fantasising and live in the world as it is and not as I think it should be. I need to stop trying to turn people off that I think may like me because I think someone I have had a secret crush on is going to ask me out any day now.

When I was younger, my longest crush whom I’ve known and crushed on since primary school reconnected with me when we both worked in the same supermarket in our later years of high school. We flirted a lot and when we got to University he used to tell me he’d ring me almost every week on that weekend but never did. Sure, he’d message and say he couldn’t because of a family thing but I was very saddened each time as I thought I was going to have a date each weekend and waited for those calls. I used to be worried about accepting other invitations off friends and family as I thought something would happen…. Well after this happened about 20 times I couldn’t handle the disappointment any longer and when a proper invitation from this boy finally came I declined him as had just had enough . We are still friends to this day and every few years I think something is happening between us but so far it hasn’t come into fruition.

Right now, he has been much more attentive towards me and at times I’ve even felt like we’re a couple when together, but to this day we’ve never even kissed or held hands. I made the mistake a few months ago of telling my friends I had a renewed crush on him and I suspect somebodies blabbed. I can’t believe I’m an adult now and still worried that my friends have told my crush on me lol That’s like something that should only happen in high school.

I asked him to coffee in Novemeber and it was fun but I have not received a one-to-one invitation since but then we’ve been texting more, had lots of pictures together at a wedding we both recently went to and done group things (he was away for a month since then). Recently he came back and messaged me an apology after a week of being back about not catching up since he’s been back as he’s been sick (promising) but then mentioned the group thing we’re going to (well group isn’t date so do you want to date me or not?).

Now, another person I have had on and off feelings for as well over the years goes to my church. I feel like there have been sparks recently. He seemed very pleased to be in the same bible study group as me. Perhaps we would be a better match since we go to the same church and have the same beliefs. But he hasn’t asked me out either. I feel like he’s on the verge too but now I’m stressing that the other guy will ask me out finally and I feel more loyal to him since we’ve know each other since childhood but then it would be stupid to decline some other perfectly nice guy just in case another asks me out…..

That’s it I’ve lost it…

I have had very complicated relationships……… although they have been “only in my mind”.

In the end chances are I won’t be asked out by either. Both are actually quite shy and might never get around to it (why do I go for introverts?).

I think my love life may get less complicated if I move to Canberra. I possibly need to get away from my make-believe boyfriends.