Post-30.

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Hey there,

Just writing a quick post so that you all know that after I hit the big ‘3’ ‘0’, I didn’t fall off the edge of the planet.There is life after 30 after all!  Who knew? Been 30 for a few months now as ‘dooms day’/ what actually turned out to be an awesome party, happened in April this year. For the record I had blue cupcakes like the photo above…..minus the sprinkles.

Hmmm, perhaps I should change the name of my blog to Post-30 blog? Or early 30s/late 20s blog? Nah, can’t be bothered 🙂

So in the last few months, many things have changed, and many stayed the same. I think after you actually turn 30 you stop worrying about certain things to degree as once the imagined ‘deadline’ passed to get married, find the perfect job and buy a house, etc. you just fall into somewhat of an acceptance phase as you can’t really do anything about it anymore as sadly there are no time machines.

I have now to some degree ticked one thing off my list, and that is the “buy a house” box. Now technically I bought an apartment (one bedroom), and technically it won’t be built for another two or more years as it was off the plan, but it’s nice to be able to say I’m on the property ladder. I have to admit I had to borrow a little bit off the parents (it’s hard to put a deposit on anything in Sydney on a single income) but I am proud to say most of it was mine and I am steadily paying them back. The good thing about buying off the plan is I will get the ‘first home owners grant’ of $10000 when settlement comes and also have at least two years to save up the rest of my deposit and secure a home loan. One funny thing is although I still want to get married and have children realistically in the next five years when I imagine myself living in this new apartment I imagine myself living there alone (OK maybe with a cat) and this is not a sad thought as I honestly think I would quite enjoy it. Oh, and did I mention the new apartment will be practically next door to one of the largest shopping malls in the Southern Hemisphere? Well, it is, so that will be a delightful bonus 🙂

Now for things that have stayed the same.

I’m still single as indicated above which isn’t a complete disaster as I do quite like my own company, but I think that now that I haven’t been on a date for well over a year…..maybe two, it might be time to try online dating again. I have a friend who I thought might ask me out but I think that ship has sailed as he went out with me for coffee one-on-one and I thought it might have been a date as it was followed by a dinner invitation but then he pulled my magic trick of inviting other people ( I do this when I want them to know I’m not adverse to their company but I don’t want to date them either). My favourite part was when I got a message from him asking if he could invite others when he clearly already had as I got a message from my girlfriend saying she’d see me there two days before the proposed date (what would he have done if I said ‘no’? lol). Oh well, no harm was done. I should have learned by now not to read into anything particularly with this friend who has played these games with me before and in all fairness I’ve probably done the same to him in the past as I don’t think either of us really knows what we want.
Currently, I’m still working as a teacher. I’ve recently started working at a school close to me and have secured that until the end of the year which is good as I want to pay my parents back ASAP for what I borrowed for the apartment, but is also kinda bad as although this is what I thought would be the ‘dream school’ I have firmly realised I still dislike teaching. It stresses me out and the kids and sometimes the parents and pretty full on. Not sure what I’ll do next year job-wise. I don’t want to teach but if this school offers me something I’d be a fool to say no and I need to keep up a certain income to ensure I can make future payments of the unit. Gah, I hate trying to be a responsible adult.

Life has as many ups and downs pre-30 as it does post-30I have realised. All-in-all I think it is better to be in my early 30s than my late 20s as being at the beginning of a decade sounds younger than being at the end 😉

TTFN

Ta ta for now.

I’ll try not to go on such as long hiatus before next post 😉

Give a Thought to What’s Going on With Your “Rock”

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I had to have a good hard look at myself before posting this one. It might paint me as selfish but I hope the true nature is understood.

I have awesome friends, and we all support each other and that is truly a beautiful thing. Truly………but many of my friends come to me for advice, which is flattering but it is sometimes hard to always be the rock when your own world is crumbling around you.

For the past year-and-a-half, two of my closest friends have experienced the breakdowns of long term serious relationships, so I have been on the receiving end of many tearful phone calls, depressed text messages which make me wonder if I should jump in my car and save them from doing something stupid, and also had them just be unresponsive and moody at times when we see each other socially.  I understand……breakups suck. Sure I’ve never had a break up….well I’ve “broken up” with my short term guys which apparently don’t count… but I imagine it would be a very difficult thing to end long term relationships and I don’t blame them for being upset.

If the sagas of the relationship breakdowns were short I could probably cope better but I’m feeling like I’m constantly talking people off the cliff edge and it’s exhausting at times, but I dare not try to discourage the communication as I do care and genuinely love and  worry about these people. I feel like my whole world has revolved around them and their dramas for the last year-and-a-half and to steal a line from ‘The Holiday’ I haven’t been the leading lady of my own life. I’ve just been the best friend. Even after the big relationships were over, these friends were quick to hook up with new guys where problems ensued so it all started again as rather they dump these guys promptly they hung on longer than they should have as it is apparently better than being alone.

Both ladies find the idea of being single abhorrent. Of course, they claim they have no problem with it but neither went over a fortnight before stressing about finding someone new and also comments have been made in times of weakness like “what’s the point of living?” etc.

I’ve been single my whole life, does that mean my life has “no point”? Should I be horrified at the idea of being alone? I admit, when one of them introduced me to someone as “single” I was offended, not because I have a massive issue with being single, more so that I am more than my relationship status (introduce me by how you know me or what my job is but NOT my relationship status). I did explain to her that is NOT on and she apologised so all good there now.

The continued despair and spinsterhood cat jokes these newly single people have given me sometimes gets to me…….I know they don’t mean to…..and I understand why they are sad…..but sometimes while trying to constantly encourage others the despair from people who have only been single short term,  makes me feel bad about my situation….

I’m not saying I hate them coming to me. I am honoured they feel they can share with me. It’s just difficult when it’s so depressing and so constant. The horrible part of me thinks  bitterly “at least you’ve experienced love.”

I met up with some girlfriends last month and I actually noticed it was the first time in over a year the entire conversation didn’t revolve around boys. It was so refreshing. I could  be someone other than the support for a change. I could contribute to conversations from my experiences as they didn’t revolve around relationships!

One friend has been giving me tearful phone calls about not gaining various positions they applied for. Again, I UNDERSTAND it’s disappointing when you don’t get the promotion or position you really worked hard for. I do honestly sympathise with them……but when I myself am currently unemployed and have never had a permeant job and you complain about being the equivalent of “just a GP” or “just a lawyer” it’s hard to be constantly sympathetic.

It’s like they are complaining and distressed and calling themselves losers for not getting to the top of their fields ladders when I’m there still stumbling over the first rung. If they are unsuccessful losers what does that make me? I understand they are very ambitious and perhaps I’m not ambitious to that level….. but I had dreams too.

I hope this post doesn’t make me sound like a horrible person. I just want to point out that sometimes it isn’t a bad idea to stop and have a think about what the situation of your “go to person” is from time to time. I have a friend who never even got to work in her chosen field as it was such a narrow field. I try not to complain about my situation in front of her too much as at least I’ve got to work in my chosen field and I should be grateful for that.

It’s my own fault, I let myself compare myself to others. It’s very unhealthy and I never used to be this person. It’s just that it’s been CONSTANT for such a long time that it’s just like some dark cloud that has slowly crept over me.

On the positive, it looks like things are looking up for my friends. One has just got a good job opportunity and the other has got what appears to be a nice boyfriend. Maybe the rest of this year will be different?

Final thoughts:

I will be happy when my friends are happy.

I’ve probably done the same thing unknowingly to my “rocks” although I like to think I try to avoid this.

Despite it all, it is nice that they feel I can comfort them.

Don’t worry my friends don’t know about my blog so won’t read this!!!!

On my Own

apple-570965_1920Valentines day is approaching so love is in the air. Well it is for a lot of people. I on the other hand am planning my annual “I hate Valentines Day” party.  I don’t actually hate Valentines Day I just prefer to go out with my single girlfriends and have fun rather than sit at home and wish I had a date 😉 We always have a blast although it looks as though I might have fewer takers this year.

Anyway, a little history on my love life. I’m almost 30 (hence this is the pre-30 blog). The longest relationship I’ve had was 3 months and that was back when I was 24.

If I could put a song to my love life it would be the “On my Own” song from Les Misérables  (click to hear it https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WY-OXb38_r8) as I feel like I’ve had three really good relationships with the 3 biggest crushes of my life……in my mind. I have wasted numerous years falling for guys and convincing myself that they will ask me out and we will live happily ever after and it just doesn’t happen the way I want. Either they are not interested and eventually go out with someone else, screw me around a bit by saying they will call and never doing it, or are just as shy as I am so I’m not sure if the flirting is happening and neither of us will make a move or maybe they are not interested and I’m just imagining these connections.

It has gotten so bad that I at times I have truly convinced myself sometimes these guys are truly on the verge of asking me out ……and then they don’t 😦

“I love him, but everyday I’m learning, all my life I’ve only been pretending.” (Les Misérables).

I need to get with reality. I need to stop fantasising and live in the world as it is and not as I think it should be. I need to stop trying to turn people off that I think may like me because I think someone I have had a secret crush on is going to ask me out any day now.

When I was younger, my longest crush whom I’ve known and crushed on since primary school reconnected with me when we both worked in the same supermarket in our later years of high school. We flirted a lot and when we got to University he used to tell me he’d ring me almost every week on that weekend but never did. Sure, he’d message and say he couldn’t because of a family thing but I was very saddened each time as I thought I was going to have a date each weekend and waited for those calls. I used to be worried about accepting other invitations off friends and family as I thought something would happen…. Well after this happened about 20 times I couldn’t handle the disappointment any longer and when a proper invitation from this boy finally came I declined him as had just had enough . We are still friends to this day and every few years I think something is happening between us but so far it hasn’t come into fruition.

Right now, he has been much more attentive towards me and at times I’ve even felt like we’re a couple when together, but to this day we’ve never even kissed or held hands. I made the mistake a few months ago of telling my friends I had a renewed crush on him and I suspect somebodies blabbed. I can’t believe I’m an adult now and still worried that my friends have told my crush on me lol That’s like something that should only happen in high school.

I asked him to coffee in Novemeber and it was fun but I have not received a one-to-one invitation since but then we’ve been texting more, had lots of pictures together at a wedding we both recently went to and done group things (he was away for a month since then). Recently he came back and messaged me an apology after a week of being back about not catching up since he’s been back as he’s been sick (promising) but then mentioned the group thing we’re going to (well group isn’t date so do you want to date me or not?).

Now, another person I have had on and off feelings for as well over the years goes to my church. I feel like there have been sparks recently. He seemed very pleased to be in the same bible study group as me. Perhaps we would be a better match since we go to the same church and have the same beliefs. But he hasn’t asked me out either. I feel like he’s on the verge too but now I’m stressing that the other guy will ask me out finally and I feel more loyal to him since we’ve know each other since childhood but then it would be stupid to decline some other perfectly nice guy just in case another asks me out…..

That’s it I’ve lost it…

I have had very complicated relationships……… although they have been “only in my mind”.

In the end chances are I won’t be asked out by either. Both are actually quite shy and might never get around to it (why do I go for introverts?).

I think my love life may get less complicated if I move to Canberra. I possibly need to get away from my make-believe boyfriends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I didn’t think I had an expiry date.

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My cousin recently came to stay with us for just over a week. He is quite an interesting fellow from Switzerland and I had lots of fun playing tour guide showing him around Sydney, The Blue Mountains and the South Coast.

During his stay, my cousin who is 32 going on 33 said something I found rather interesting and a little sad. He said he only dates younger women….like 10 years younger.

Now, it’s no secret that many men prefer to be older than the women they date and this isn’t too big of an issue as many women prefer to date men older than themselves. I’m a bit odd I have mostly dated younger men or around my age ( maybe it’s to do with my maturity ha ha). Personally I go 5 years either way.

The thing I find disturbing is the amount of years younger he would only consider. A decade is a long time but hey to each their own. My question is, does this mean that many men in the 30s consider women in their 30s or late 20s too old?

I heard once, probably on some sitcom ( I’m thinking “Sex and the City” but I could be wrong) that a 20- something man will date a 20-something woman but a 30 something man will not date a 30-something woman. As someone pushing 30 this is a worrying concept. I don’t want all the men my age to be after women 10 years my junior and I’m just not interested in 40 and over year old men.

I recently went on a dating website for a month that I tried in the past but decided to renew over December as there was a special deal. To my shock, I had mostly men in there 40s, 50s and even 60s contacting me! I’m looking for a husband not a father. I deleted my account after a very disappointing month of not meeting anyone.

Now, after learning more about my cousin I think I understand why many men like women in their early 20s ( other than the fact that they are young and pretty). My cousin doesn’t like children and doesn’t want to ever get married. If you date a woman in her early 20s you can expect to be able to date her a few years without marriage and babies appearing immidiently on the table. It is an unfortunate fact that we women have biological clocks,so unless you’ve made the decision that you don’t want kids, once you’re almost 30 or in your 30s the time in which you’re willing to just date before marriage and babies come into the picture shrinks considerably. For those of us who want these things, and especially for those like me that want both in a specific order ( I acknowledge that not everyone wants marriage ) three years of dating without knowing marriage and children are definates are just a waste of precious time.

Men, on the other hand, don’t have such a nasty biological clock. They don’t have to worry about how old they are so long as they can find a woman young enough to give them kids. Perhaps some men who don’t want marriage and kids even date younger women with the plan to get out before they get old enough to really want these things.

So this is sounding all very bleak and hopeless… Have I expired because I’m now in the scary date-me-a-year-or-less-and-give-me-a-ring age group? Will all men run and hide because they know I’ll probably want a baby in the next 5 years or so? Do they fear we are like the woman in the picture above planning to drag them into marriage kicking and screaming?  Luckily, the answer is no.

Just as there are women of my age feeling ready to settle down and have kids, there are surely men also ready to settle down and have kids and some of these just have to be around my age. In fact I know many men younger than myself who have felt this urge and married young.

Just as a man who wants to avoid marriage and children for a while may go for a younger woman a man wanting these things would go for a late 20s/ 30-something woman knowing they are probably ready for these things as well. We should not assume all men are players and are down on settling before 40. I’ve often fell into the trap of thinking all the good ones are taken and all I’ll have left is older men but this just isn’t be true. Women and men in their late 20s and 30s get married everyday.

So to all my pre-30s and 30s ladies ( and also I should really  include 40s ladies too) there is still hope out these for those of us who want marriage babies and all that jazz. We just need to find those men who are wanting and ready for the same thing.

Waiting by the phone.

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As people who have been following me would know I am currently seeking a job https://pre30blog.wordpress.com/2015/12/23/the-ongoing-saga-of-finding-a-permanent-job/.

I am looking to move on from teaching so have been applying for a wide variety of jobs. These include government jobs, retail jobs and even though I’m 99.9% sure I want to quit teaching I have one or two teaching resumes out there too.

So after putting so many CV’s out there, I have been waiting by the phone hoping that a job, any job, will just ring me already.

Finally, last week, my phone rang. Unfortunately this happened while I was walking my Swiss relative through a rainforest along the New South Wales coast. I was quite amazed I had reception to be honest but I talked to a lady who worked for a perfume and cosmetics company who saw my application for a store in Canberra and was keen to give me a phone interview. Whilst speaking to me she found out I live in Sydney and then told me of another position they had going in Sydney. I said I was interested so she arranged to call me for an official phone interview at 3pm that day. This wasn’t really ideal for me as I was down the coast and my phone battery was beginning to concern me but I agreed to it anyway.

Later that day at 3pm my dad, Swiss relative and myself were standing on a cliff overlooking a blowhole (Kiama if anyone knows it! It’s. Quite lovely there). It was very windy, so the worst possible place to have a phone interview so I locked myself into the car just before 3pm to ensure I had a quiet place while the others explored the area.

Afte half-an-hour of being in a self-imposed hot car prison later, ( I did end up opening the door and even going out from time to time) the lady finally called me just as the others thought I’d be finished and started walking back towards the car. I quickly waved them off and dived back into the car to take the anticipated phone call. The call went well and she seemed impressed so I was granted an actual in the flesh interview with the store manager the next day.

I was feeling quite chuffed at getting an interview, but when I came home I found that my mother and sister were not pleased about this development as they see working in retail (even though it’s a management position) as a step down and would rather me get a nice government job. I understand their concerns. It won’t pay as well as teaching and I would have to give up many weekends, but since I think it would be cool to open a shop of my own one day, I thought it might be a necessary step back financially that would ultimately help me to move forward.

The interview with the manager went OK. I don’t know if I answered all the questions as they wanted as I wasn’t shy about saying when asked that I would not like working public holidays i.e Christmas but the chatter was non-stop (mostly the interviewer did the talking as he seemed quite keen on sharing his life story) and I did have an answer for every question.
I left feeling a touch optimistic and was told I’d hear back from them to find out if I got it or not on Monday.

Monday came. I spend the day in a bit of anguish. Part of me was scared I’d get the job as I knew my family were against it and wouldn’t be happy for me and that would make me sad as I’d feel like I’m disappointing them. The other part of me was fearing not getting the job as I really wanted a permeant job, any job, before the big ‘3”0’.

So the verdict………………….they didn’t call. All that wasted anguish *sigh* Right now, it’s 5.30 on Tuesday afternoon and still no phone call so I’m guessing I definitely didn’t get it. In a way I’m distraught, and in a way I’m relived. Truth be told I don’t think I know what I wanted to come of it all.

So looks like it’s back to the drawing board and I will look into those government jobs and other things that appeal to me.

Edit to add: They just called I didn’t get it. Mum is pleased and truthfully I do mostly feel relief.

Adult Crying

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When I was young I was a “crybaby”. I have always been an emotional person. I’m not sure where this came from. I’ve had no traumatic upbringing, have always had a nice group of friends around me and have never gone without anything.

I always thought that I’d grow out of this; become strong and wizened  up with age…but I’m not and I haven’t. In a way this is perhaps a good thing. Crying reminds us that we are human and bottling things up is not very healthy. Over the years, I have to a degree been able to control it. I rarely cry in front of people anymore and usually can keep it in until after people leave. Actually most of my friends think I’m a very cheerful optimistic person, which to a degree I am as even when I’m sad I know its temporary.

I’m not depressed; I don’t genuinely have a negative outlook on life. I read on Facebook of all places that “depression is caring about nothing, anxiety is caring about everything and having both is hell”. I think I have anxiety as I overanalyse absolutely everything and stew over things for far longer than the ordinary person. Little things bother me like being late or appearing rude over the slightest thing. If I were a cartoon character I’d be that high strung rabbit from Alice in Wonderland. Having said all this none of this has been formally diagnosed but I’m sure my family would testify this is true if asked.

I think anxiety makes the pre-30 freakout all the worse. I’m worried about things that haven’t happened and I’m scared of things that I want to happen but I believe won’t.

As an anxious person, I tend to play out every possible scenario to every small issue I am having, before the actual event (which usually turns out to be nothing). I convince myself the worst case scenario is likely but then I justify this silly behaviour as being a good thing to do, because if I played out various scenes a million times in my head I have contingency plans for all of them so the theory is I’ll never be at a loss of what to do.

All of this occasionally leads me to crying.

As I said before I have now trained myself to hold back until alone (a necessity of being  a teacher as students have often made me want to cry with their constant rudeness) but I still cry a lot and sometimes with seemingly with no reason. I cry over everything and nothing at the same time. A mixture of self pity then guilt over crying over self pity as I know so many people in the world would love to have one of my bad days.

I think it got worse when I worked with refugees. Sure, I was having a bad week when I found out my contract was not being renewed, but at least my home hadn’t been attacked and I knew all my family were safe and sound. Pain is relative but I have worked with people who have been through hell and it makes me feel guilty for being sad over seemingly trivial matters. I don’t regret the experience though as it really opened up mine eyes as to how lucky I actually am and gave me more of an understanding of what is happening in this world of ours. Helping these kids was fufilling and purposeful (even the naughty ones who eventually settled down).

Sometimes I also feel like in my family and friends group, unless my issues have to do with a relationship breakdown or children no one cares about my problems. Logically I know this isn’t true, but these are the core issues of most people I know and I’m reluctant to “burden” people wit my problems when their storms have passed.

Oh my, this is a sad blog post. Sorry everyone. I’ve just been a bit sad today as I’ve been applying for jobs again (which always makes me sad as I honestly think in most cases it’s a waste of time). I may have also just been watching Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants which always makes me bawl out as there is a child with Leukaemia in it (but it’s just normal to cry during that movie I think).

I think adult crying is not uncommon though. I think many people do it just some are better at hiding it than others. But when you think about it why do we feel compelled to hide that fact we’re human and have emotions? Wouldn’t it be better to cry in front of loved ones and talk things out? Maybe. I don’t really have the answers.

Unfortunately, in our culture, I think it’s just not viewed as socially acceptable to cry (even worse for men). Maybe this needs to change so people will open up more to one another (myself included).

 

New Years Resolutions

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Happy 2016 everyone! I hope you all had a fabulous time bringing in the new year!

So far my year is off to a good start. I had a bunch of friends over to bring in 2016 with a BBQ, swimming in the pool and playing a silly drinking game ( I successfully convinced my parents to go to Brisbane to visit my Uncle for NYE so had the house to myself yay).

Afterwards, we watched the fireworks on TV. Sydney has an excellent firework display every year but maybe it’s a sign of getting old but I just can’t handle the crowds anymore and prefer house parties.

A few friends and I went on our traditional New Years Day bushwalk yesterday which was fun as there is a natural pool at the bottom of the valley with beautiful fresh water to swim in. Then we went to McDonalds for soft serve because we’re classy like that 😜

Today is the 2nd of January and it would seem the fun and games that brought in the new year are over. I know what I should be doing today ( applying for jobs, cleaning the house, cleaning my pig sty of a car etc) but so far it’s 12.30pm and all I’ve done is get out of my pjs, have a shower and play copious amounts of Bubble Witch while watching the news.

So, to the point of this post. What are my New Years resolutions?

The resolutions I’ll openly tell people I know:

  • Get a permanent job I enjoy.
  • Continue to be fit and work out ( I’m not vain but I’m proud of my current body and worked hard for it).
  • Move.

The resolutions in my head I’m less likely to tell everyone:

  • Find a boyfriend who will hopefully be a potential husband. I don’t share this one as much as it makes me feel desperate but I want to have the husband and children in the next five years so meeting him this year would be wonderful. When I was younger I would have dated someone for a long time but now I think I’d want a ring after a year ( of course I won’t tell guys that right away as that’s one sure way to make them head for the hills lol).
  • Stop juding myself by comparing myself to others. I don’t share this one as much as jealously is never a good look but I think we all judge ourself a little through comparison.
  • Move out as stated above, but deep down I still hope to do this before 30 so really I’m just giving myself just under 4 months to do this which I know is silly and unrealistic as it won’t happen unless the job happens so I joke about it sometimes with friends but they don’t know how deep a desire it is no matter how foolish.

There is a danger in making these  resolutions. The danger is that it’s so easy to not succeed in keeping them. For example, getting a permenant job and boyfriend  have been my New Years resolutions for years. It hasn’t happened does that make me a failure?  Moving out before I’m 30 was my resolution last year, so technically I gave myself more than a year to accomplish it but I know realistically I probably won’t achieve this so what will this mean for my self esteem?

Logically, the answers to both of  these questions lie in how I choose to react to the possibility of failure. I could choose to curl up into a ball of self pity or just get on with it. I’ll probably cry a bit but as always I’ll pull myself up and get on with life.

Perhaps it’s better not to make resolutions at all, but even when I think I’m not going to make resolutions, I have desires which whether made on NYE, or any random point in the year, serve as resolutions. At least I’ll probably keep the fitness one simple because I enjoy running and it’s not hard for me to make time for something that relaxes me and gives me a sense of achievement.

On the other hand perhaps even when failed resolutions are good as they give us a goal to strive for which motivates us to make positive changes or at least know we tried.

Have you all made resolutions?  What is your opinion on resolutions in the first place?